Hi Bump’n Grinders! Andrew Gurza here. Since I was 16 years old, I’ve fantasised about a hot muscle daddy smiling at me across a crowded room, taking me to his place, whispering that I’m his hot disabled lover, ripping my pants off and f*cking me! Oh, sorry, I got a little carried away there…
Ever since I secretly watched gay porn on my Dad’s dial up internet (sorry Dad!) I've been turned on watching other dudes get penetrated. It’s so hot, watching them receive their partner. The intimacy shown on their faces is still my favourite part of any porn film. But as I watched those movies and saw the men bottom for each other over and over again, I very quickly told myself that physically bottoming for someone else was something that I couldn’t do. As a queer man bottoming often feels like a rite of passage in the community, but as a queer person with complex disabilities, who needs help with everything from brushing my teeth to using the toilet, it just didn’t seem practical. And, if I’m honest, I’m scared that if I bottom, my disabilities will erode the fantasy I’ve created in my head. In today’s blog, I’m going to share some of my fears about bottoming as a disabled person, and also offer some crip tips I got from my friend David, another queer guy with Cerebral Palsy, who has spent time on the bottom bunk, as it were.
Fear: What if Sh*t Happens – Literally?
One of my biggest fears around bottoming is the fact that I am physically unable to prepare myself to bottom. So many non-disabled guys casually talk about “cleaning out”, as if it was expected and easy. But what if you can’t? I live with IBS along with my CP, so I constantly worry that there will be poo – and that’s before I even consider anything sexual. I worry that a partner might think I am dirty and unattractive and not want to continue.
David’s Crip Tip: Talk about it!
David said that he has conversations with sexual partners about getting help with cleaning out. He prefers an “older, more hirsute, salt and pepper gentleman because they tend to be more mature” and thus able to handle body stuff better. He symathises with the fear of feeling like shit might happen, sharing that he had to “let go of the fear” and “know intellectually that he hasn’t pooped”. Having a sexual partner who says things like, “It doesn’t matter if that happens. It’s not sexy, but we will deal” makes him feel more comfortable and at ease. Ultimately, his advice to me was to just relax into it, that “communication is hot”, and to look for a bed buddy who can handle mature conversations.
Fear: “I Feel Like I’m A Bad Queer Person Because I Haven’t Bottomed”
One of my biggest fears around bottoming also the social aspect. I want so badly to bottom, and because I don’t have that personal experience, I fear other non-disabled queer men will think less of me.
David’s Crip Tip: Find Someone you connect with.
When I told David this fear, the very first thing he said was, “You’re not bad – you’re not bad at all. I think you’ve made it into this huge event that it doesn’t have to be. You just have to find someone where you feel that connection with, so that if things go sideways, you feel safe.” To be honest, his advice here couldn’t have been more reassuring for me, and to hear this from someone with my disability was very affirming to me.
Fear: My Partner Has to do all the Work
The idea of bottoming scares me, in part because my partner will have to do all the work. From cleaning me out to position changes during the act. They have to take on a lot of labour in the process – labour that they might not have considered. So, I worry that all of this will result in them seeing me as “too much”.
David’s Crip Tip: Make the act of care erotic
“Someone else has to take on a lot of labour in order to make that possible. For me, part of the fantasy element of that is to find someone who centralises the act of care as erotic.” When David said this during our interview, I breathed a sigh of relief because I knew that he understood feeling like “too much” but also that he recognized the intimacy of care. Plus, I think turning acts of care into sexy scenes is hot!
Fear: What If It Hurts?
Having spastic Cerebral Palsy for me, means that sometimes the tiniest unexpected action can be painful. So, I worry that repeated thrusting into me would hurt a lot.
David’s Crip Tip: Go slow and heavy on the lube
“Too much lube is not enough.” David said. Also, going slow and taking time with a partner is the best approach due to any spasticity or tightness.
I was so grateful to be able to sit with David as a fellow person with Cerebral Palsy and explore what bottoming might look like for me. David helped remind me that I am not a bad queer person just because I haven’t bottomed (yet), that I don’t have to worry so much, and that I deserve to get f*cked as I want to. I hope to any disabled readers out there who want to explore bottoming, David’s Pro Crip Tips gave you a starting point to consider your own journey, and that you took it all in (see what I did?).
Thanks for reading! Till next time, Bump’n Grinders – AG xx