My Inaccessible Hook-Up Fantasy

I've always harboured a fantasy to go over to a guy’s place for sex. I find it difficult to view my apartment, with its daily attendant care and touch limited to the Personal Support Workers as a place fit for sexy times. Every time a hot hookup partner visited my apartment to touch my joystick or f*ck around, it lacked the necessary sexy vibes - it felt sterile; as if this hook up was just another scheduled run-of-the-mill activity of my daily living. It didn't have 'vibe', it seemed boring, and definitely not sexy.

The idea of going to a new place for sexy times filled me with a sense of excitement. It meant that I wouldn’t have to teach my lover to lift me using my Hoyer lift. I wouldn’t have to gently walk him through my routine. I imagined that my lover would throw me on the bed and have his way with me. Le sigh. It didn’t exactly turn out that way.

When I finally got the chance to go to a hookup’s place for sex, the guy had a ton of stairs up to his place. Groan. I talked to him online before heading over and he assured me that we’d get me in his place, no problem. I had a feeling that I should inquire more, but I was hot, bothered and raring to go. So, I hopped a cab at midnight, like a modern day Cinderella looking to get hers, hoping for a night of passion and power-chair-accessible sex. As my cab pulled up, the cabbie looked out at all the stairs and said, “Are you sure this is the place?” Too horny to turn back, I tried to smoothly say, “yup, for sure”, as if I had planned this all along. Inside I was freaking out, thinking about how inaccessible, not to mention dangerous, this hook up just became.

My hookup partner bounded down the stairs to greet me, and as I got out of the cab he looked me up and down in my chair. I knew that he was thinking, “Oh, fuck, this guy is actually a wheelchair user. What the fuck do I do now?” I don’t think either of us wanted to cancel, so my lover (whose name I had conveniently forgotten - so classy, right?) tried to lift me out of my wheelchair and up the stairs. He managed to do it, but in the process huffed and puffed and kept whispering that I was dead weight until he blew my fantasy right down. When he finally managed to get me into his apartment he was almost blue in the face, as it became clear he didn’t understand what I might need help with. Instead of throwing me on the bed in fits of uncontrollable lust, he tripped on a shoe in his hallway, and almost launched me across the room. When we got to the bed we tried to make out and be cute, be he couldn’t stop wheezing and bemoaning how difficult I was to carry. I certainly wasn’t gonna let him touch my joystick!

I share this story to highlight that sometimes the fantasies we have about sex aren’t based on our disabled realities, but rather idealistic snapshots of what we think sex is supposed to be like. From this experience, I learned that I’d much rather have sex in my accessible apartment because there, I get to control how much my disabled body is an issue for someone else. I also get to feel safe, and create fantasies that are accessible to both me and my lover.

If you have any stories or fantasies, we'd love to hear them. Share in the comments below :)

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